I am altophobic! Yes, I have a fear of heights. It has to be ironical that a tall person like me has a fear of heights.
Though I do not remember distinctly, how long I have been carrying this fear with me, I can vividly recollect memories from my childhood where there have been instances where I have had terror wreaked in my mind only because of heights. I can still remember instances where I have simply closed my eyes and let things around me happen by itself. There have been instances where I have run for shelter in the safest place – my mother’s lap. There also have been instances where I have prayed religiously for it to get over as soon as possible.
Whenever I see down directly from the terrace of a normal building, I feel odd. Giddiness takes over my senses and I feel that something is going to happen. By normal building, I mean a double or a triple storey apartment building. Giant wheels in those yearly fairs (which have literally become history now) were another thing I hated and avoided sitting in. When I see straight from the top of the building, even if it’s taller than a normal building, there isn’t a problem. When it comes to seeing vertically down, comes the trouble. And to add to the misery is the fact that I am tall and I always feel that the containing railings are too short for my height and may not contain me in case I lose control and something happens. Dying doesn’t bother me as much as the feeling of living handicapped for the rest of my life does.
I have tried to get over it at times. I had the privilege of studying my engineering from probably the only college in India which had a private beach and a lighthouse. We had the opportunity to go to the top of the lighthouse which was something like a 12 storey building. I have climbed to the top a couple of times. But whenever I have done that, I have closely held the railings while climbing up as well as down and also always ensured that my back is always in contact with the wall of the lighthouse. Even on reaching the top, I made sure that I did not look down at the base of the lighthouse directly; my hands were firmly on the railings and my back comfortably against the wall. I recently tried the same on another lighthouse nearby, but the fear still existed.
But then came my day. It was just the first week of our induction module at college. The entire batch was out on an ‘Outbound Training’ program on the foothills of Sinhgad fort (one of Chattrapati Shivaji Maharaj’s numerous forts across Maharashtra). The program was handled by ex service men and was a great experience of learning and team building. One of the exercises involved was what is known as wrappling or abseiling. Each and every one of us was supposed to come down from the terrace of a three storey building, along the walls with the help of ropes. People who had done it earlier did it with ease. Some of them who were doing it for the first time did a really good job and some others faltered badly. And the sight of this group of people made me look for reasons to abscond!
Escape routes were hard to find. Even girls were not spared. Eventually I thought this might as well be my opportunity to fame (at least in my own eyes). I thought this is the time when I should actually get over my fears and weaknesses under the supervision of trained and qualified people. I somehow made up my mind and reached the top of the building. As one of them was tying the ropes on my waist, I tried to remain cool and composed. I tried not to look at the base of the building as much as possible. And when the big moment arrived and I stood on the wall, I was surprisingly calm. This was really commendable considering the fact that there were people who have literally shivered while on the wall. For a brief moment, as I was standing backwards on the wall (me facing the building), I badly felt like asking for a bottle and get myself photographed in the ‘Lose Control’ style from RDB. Then an inner voice told me, “Zyaada herogiri dikhaane ki koshish mat kar beta, tu ab tak neeche nahi pahuncha”. The instructor casually repeated the set of instructions, dos and don’ts for the umpteenth time in the day. I listened to him and started my journey downwards.
I was at the base in roughly under 5 seconds. I simply could not believe that I had done it so comfortably. And people who actually saw me coming down and were cheering me said that it was a very ‘professional’ attempt for a beginner. By ‘professional’, they meant it was closest to the one as demonstrated by the instructors. I was indeed proud of myself. Unable to contain my happiness, I called up mom immediately. As expected she too wasn’t able to believe it.
But yes, it had indeed happened. I was not daydreaming. I had actually got over one of my worst fears. Someone had actually clicked everyone doing the heroic feat, and I am still looking for the snap.
So the big question is whether I have really got over it? Well, I don’t know and can’t say anything as of now. I haven’t tried anything like that ever since, nor have I even tried looking down directly from a high rise building. So it may be too early to claim something now, but I’ll definitely have it at the back of the mind that I have done it once in my life. This feeling is definitely very gratifying and I am sure that it will give me a lot of confidence the next time I decide to look down from the balcony of my hostel room which is equivalently on the fourth floor!
Though I do not remember distinctly, how long I have been carrying this fear with me, I can vividly recollect memories from my childhood where there have been instances where I have had terror wreaked in my mind only because of heights. I can still remember instances where I have simply closed my eyes and let things around me happen by itself. There have been instances where I have run for shelter in the safest place – my mother’s lap. There also have been instances where I have prayed religiously for it to get over as soon as possible.
Whenever I see down directly from the terrace of a normal building, I feel odd. Giddiness takes over my senses and I feel that something is going to happen. By normal building, I mean a double or a triple storey apartment building. Giant wheels in those yearly fairs (which have literally become history now) were another thing I hated and avoided sitting in. When I see straight from the top of the building, even if it’s taller than a normal building, there isn’t a problem. When it comes to seeing vertically down, comes the trouble. And to add to the misery is the fact that I am tall and I always feel that the containing railings are too short for my height and may not contain me in case I lose control and something happens. Dying doesn’t bother me as much as the feeling of living handicapped for the rest of my life does.
I have tried to get over it at times. I had the privilege of studying my engineering from probably the only college in India which had a private beach and a lighthouse. We had the opportunity to go to the top of the lighthouse which was something like a 12 storey building. I have climbed to the top a couple of times. But whenever I have done that, I have closely held the railings while climbing up as well as down and also always ensured that my back is always in contact with the wall of the lighthouse. Even on reaching the top, I made sure that I did not look down at the base of the lighthouse directly; my hands were firmly on the railings and my back comfortably against the wall. I recently tried the same on another lighthouse nearby, but the fear still existed.
But then came my day. It was just the first week of our induction module at college. The entire batch was out on an ‘Outbound Training’ program on the foothills of Sinhgad fort (one of Chattrapati Shivaji Maharaj’s numerous forts across Maharashtra). The program was handled by ex service men and was a great experience of learning and team building. One of the exercises involved was what is known as wrappling or abseiling. Each and every one of us was supposed to come down from the terrace of a three storey building, along the walls with the help of ropes. People who had done it earlier did it with ease. Some of them who were doing it for the first time did a really good job and some others faltered badly. And the sight of this group of people made me look for reasons to abscond!
Escape routes were hard to find. Even girls were not spared. Eventually I thought this might as well be my opportunity to fame (at least in my own eyes). I thought this is the time when I should actually get over my fears and weaknesses under the supervision of trained and qualified people. I somehow made up my mind and reached the top of the building. As one of them was tying the ropes on my waist, I tried to remain cool and composed. I tried not to look at the base of the building as much as possible. And when the big moment arrived and I stood on the wall, I was surprisingly calm. This was really commendable considering the fact that there were people who have literally shivered while on the wall. For a brief moment, as I was standing backwards on the wall (me facing the building), I badly felt like asking for a bottle and get myself photographed in the ‘Lose Control’ style from RDB. Then an inner voice told me, “Zyaada herogiri dikhaane ki koshish mat kar beta, tu ab tak neeche nahi pahuncha”. The instructor casually repeated the set of instructions, dos and don’ts for the umpteenth time in the day. I listened to him and started my journey downwards.
I was at the base in roughly under 5 seconds. I simply could not believe that I had done it so comfortably. And people who actually saw me coming down and were cheering me said that it was a very ‘professional’ attempt for a beginner. By ‘professional’, they meant it was closest to the one as demonstrated by the instructors. I was indeed proud of myself. Unable to contain my happiness, I called up mom immediately. As expected she too wasn’t able to believe it.
But yes, it had indeed happened. I was not daydreaming. I had actually got over one of my worst fears. Someone had actually clicked everyone doing the heroic feat, and I am still looking for the snap.
So the big question is whether I have really got over it? Well, I don’t know and can’t say anything as of now. I haven’t tried anything like that ever since, nor have I even tried looking down directly from a high rise building. So it may be too early to claim something now, but I’ll definitely have it at the back of the mind that I have done it once in my life. This feeling is definitely very gratifying and I am sure that it will give me a lot of confidence the next time I decide to look down from the balcony of my hostel room which is equivalently on the fourth floor!
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